Good Days, Bad Days

Let’s see, how does the ole saying go? There will be good days and there will be bad.

Yesterday Matthew and I visited with Grey for three hours. During these three hours, we also decided that the previous day we had done too much touching. I had my hands in his little incubator a lot. I just want to touch him so bad and comfort him and I want him to know that Mommy and Daddy are there. The nurses are very encouraging and want me to touch Greyson but they also let me know that “touching him agitates him” This agitation causes his heart rate to speed up and then it always seems soon after that his machine reads “desat” which means desaturation in oxygen. Greyson’s baseline is around 80% and the machine goes off when his oxygen level falls under that percent.

I assisted yesterday with his care. I changed his diaper and fed him through his feeding tube. Yes, he is up to eating 2 cc’s a day! With that amount, I think I am safe with my breast milk supply for awhile. Grandma from IN and Aunt D stopped by on their way back from the airport to meet Mr. Greyson. I could easily read the shocked looked in Grandma’s eyes. She said he was beautiful and looked like a doll. I think it hurt her just looking at him.

After his visitors left, Grey decided to give Matthew and I a good scare. I’m still not sure exactly what happened but apparently he has the ability to position his neck in a certain way, which blocks his ventilator tube. Matthew immediately noticed that his breathing was off- he was taking quick shallow breaths and we thought that maybe he had the hiccups. Matthew called the nurse over and she obviously realized he wasn’t getting enough oxygen. Well, the simple remedy of increasing his volume on the machine didn’t work and before we knew it our little man was blue. I watched in horror as his skin changed color and the nurse worked quickly to “bag him” They use the term bag him, which means she manually pumped oxygen into his little body. I’m sure the whole event lasted seconds but it felt like a lifetime! You know, I’ve never really used the word helplessness before but now it is a very common adjective in my storytelling. Helplessness, lacking protection or support, marked by the inability to act or react. Yep, that pretty much sums it up. I don’t have the ability to protect my little angel and it kills me. Literally, it feels like my heart is being ripped out.

And this where I am told that there will be good days and bad days. Yesterday was definitely a bad day. However, I will take the good with the bad. This isn’t going to be an easy ride and everyday will not be good. But, I am still learning. Learning to deal with these overpowering emotions and attempting to properly place them. Matthew is wonderful and lets me cry all the time- he simply holds my hand and we quietly get through it. He went back to work this morning and of course I cried- I feel like someone has taken my security blanket away. Each day will get easier.