Monday, April 6, 2009

Good Days, Bad Days



Let’s see, how does the ole saying go? There will be good days and there will be bad.

Yesterday Matthew and I visited with Grey for three hours. During these three hours, we also decided that the previous day we had done too much touching. I had my hands in his little incubator a lot. I just want to touch him so bad and comfort him and I want him to know that Mommy and Daddy are there. The nurses are very encouraging and want me to touch Greyson but they also let me know that “touching him agitates him” This agitation causes his heart rate to speed up and then it always seems soon after that his machine reads “desat” which means desaturation in oxygen. Greyson’s baseline is around 80% and the machine goes off when his oxygen level falls under that percent.

I assisted yesterday with his care. I changed his diaper and fed him through his feeding tube. Yes, he is up to eating 2 cc’s a day! With that amount, I think I am safe with my breast milk supply for awhile. Grandma from IN and Aunt D stopped by on their way back from the airport to meet Mr. Greyson. I could easily read the shocked looked in Grandma’s eyes. She said he was beautiful and looked like a doll. I think it hurt her just looking at him.

After his visitors left, Grey decided to give Matthew and I a good scare. I’m still not sure exactly what happened but apparently he has the ability to position his neck in a certain way, which blocks his ventilator tube. Matthew immediately noticed that his breathing was off- he was taking quick shallow breaths and we thought that maybe he had the hiccups. Matthew called the nurse over and she obviously realized he wasn’t getting enough oxygen. Well, the simple remedy of increasing his volume on the machine didn’t work and before we knew it our little man was blue. I watched in horror as his skin changed color and the nurse worked quickly to “bag him” They use the term bag him, which means she manually pumped oxygen into his little body. I’m sure the whole event lasted seconds but it felt like a lifetime! You know, I’ve never really used the word helplessness before but now it is a very common adjective in my storytelling. Helplessness, lacking protection or support, marked by the inability to act or react. Yep, that pretty much sums it up. I don’t have the ability to protect my little angel and it kills me. Literally, it feels like my heart is being ripped out.

And this where I am told that there will be good days and bad days. Yesterday was definitely a bad day. However, I will take the good with the bad. This isn’t going to be an easy ride and everyday will not be good. But, I am still learning. Learning to deal with these overpowering emotions and attempting to properly place them. Matthew is wonderful and lets me cry all the time- he simply holds my hand and we quietly get through it. He went back to work this morning and of course I cried- I feel like someone has taken my security blanket away. Each day will get easier.

5 comments:

kathrin.m.novak said...

Kiley, Matthew and Grey,

Please know that we are all praying for you daily. From a mother who has been where you are Kiley--take care of yourself, he needs you. Even though you and Matthew cannot hold him, he knows that you are there. Please let us know if there is anything we can do.

Kathy Novak and family

mommie & millie said...

Sweet Kiley-
this is no means your fault or matthews. you have to know that. Greyson is nothing but a GIFT from God no matter the time he is spent with you here on EARTH. He is a blessing, its a tough thing to shallow with all the stress and events but remember the blessing, the Lord has his reasons for allowing things to happen the way they do but in the end the Lord gives us everything that is good & great in our lives. Every bad event in my life has drawn me closer to the Lord- allow it to happen- it will give you strength and faith to believe that no matter what, God's in control & he will take care of greyson. My prayer for you-
Lord- I pray that you give Kiley and Matthew the peace they need to handle these next few months- In Jesus Name I pray your WILL will be done- In Jesus name- let Greyson be healed and grow as though he is in Kiley's womb. Thank you Lord for your healing and we praise you for allowing us to witness this little miracle. We trust you and have faith in you alone. AMEN
I love you kiley & there are LOTS of people praying for you here in Lebanon, too.
Robin & the Reed Family

Susie and Jimmy Reed said...

Kiley and Matthew, we pray daily for you both, and that sweet, tiny, addition to your home. I believe God has given you a very strong little son, and we have so much faith that Greyson will always have more good days, than bad ones. He has The Great Physician taking care of him. God has blessed your family with lots of support through all your family and mamy friends who are praying for you. Lean on each other and have faith, I know that's so hard somedays, especially the bad ones, but you are never alone. Thanks for the sweet pictures. We will check on Greyson daily.
Jimmy and Susie Reed

Robert said...

To my precious Kiley and Matthew, I am deeply proud of you. You have been strong and loving parents to this little miracle we call Greyson. The love you exhibit to your little son will forever be in my heart. You have been through many trials in the last few weeks, but have continued to believe in God, love each other and have trust that Greyson will get through this....you are a wonderful example to many. Our family is beside you as you embrace this journey...our love for you and baby Greyson is strong and filled with so much promise.
Daddy and I love you...
~Moma

Ellen said...

Dear Kiley and Matthew,
Uncle Mark and I have fallen in love with your tiny son. Please wrap yourselves in our prayers and rest in God's love. This passage has always comforted me: Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." We have so much hope for little Greyson's future. We love you very much, Aunt Ellen

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