Breathe

Breathe.

I’m not sure if I am asking Greyson to take confident breaths or if I am talking to myself.

I didn’t update the blog yesterday because we didn’t have a very good day. Moreover, I arrived at the hospital with my dad and immediately noticed that Grey was distressed. His tiny arms were frailing around and he had a look of suffering on his face. This face was new and I immediately felt nausea. Sometimes I think I am actually going to vomit on the floor of the NICU when I see something I don’t like or hear something unnerving. I know I will not let this happen but it doesn’t make the strong sensation go away.

Dr. Jones let me know that something had happened to trigger this distress but the diagnosis was unknown. X-ray was on the way to snap a photo of Grey’s chest to confirm all his tubing was in place. Besides his anguished disposition, all his numbers were reading high. His heart rate was significantly elevated and his oxygen level was set at 80% (this is usually between 35-40%). Grey was letting the vent do all the breathing. Again, helplessness… I wanted to scream- something is wrong! I also wanted to call Matthew but I didn’t want to upset him and I couldn’t decide if I was overreacting. After reviewing the x-ray images Dr. Jones explained that everything looked right. The solution was to sedate Greyson. Was it possible he was simply having a bad day? Besides the bad day idea- Dr. Jones explained that Grey’s chest x-ray from earlier that morning did not look good. His lungs are still inflamed- meaning either lung disease, infection or too much fluid- we don’t want any of these. Furthermore, the doctors have decided to try a new medicine. This is the same form of respiration medicine that was given to Grey when he was first born. A baby born at 25 ½ weeks or 26 weeks has not produced surfactant, a chemical that helps keep the lungs inflated. So Greyson is receiving an artificial form of surfactant. I took this information and felt a tiny sense of hope. Hope- looking forward with reasonable confidence. I have learned that with a clear action plan, I have a stronger sense of hope. I sat quietly in the NICU rocking chair with enough hope to calmly pray. Greyson’s nurse, Carlye, attempted small talk and I decided to give in. We chatted and I immediately liked her. I like and appreciate all Grey’s nurses but there are always a few I feel a closer connection with- meaning these women create a sense of reassurance and have the ability to instill confidence- Carlye is one of these nurses. Matthew and I hope to see her again soon. Speaking of Matthew, when he arrived after work he was also concerned- I didn’t even have to say a word. He flipped back Greyson’s incubator blanket and immediately said “he looks different- what’s wrong?” At this time, Grey looked different in another way- this was a look of sedation. I explained the sequence of events and he too had a few questions for Caryle. We left the NICU that night talking about the new medicine and hopeful that tomorrow would be a better day.

Update Today

Matthew and I visited Grey today and his mood was better. He still looked a little sedated but I’ll take a dazed expression over anguish any day! His numbers were reading better too. We haven’t received an update on his chest x-ray images but I’m thinking there isn’t an update yet- the medicine probably needs time to work. I don’t want to include every single detail of our visit b/c I have written too much thus far. However, we left the hospital peaceful. Matthew wanted to stop by the mall, where he purchased a zebra toy for Grey from pottery barn kids. He had already researched this toy online. I love the idea of him browsing baby websites and taking notes.